Is Self Sacrifice Learned?

Today I got an attitude with my kids. It happens, more than I’d like to admit. Today stuck with me, though. I couldn’t just chalk it up to my impatience or their (sometimes) horrible timing. Let me paint the picture. It’s Saturday morning, and we are about to celebrate a saint day. We celebrate this every year. We make a sweet bread, and then we spend time together reading about someone who devoted their life to serving Christ and enjoying the bread. I was still in my PJs, and I wanted to make myself presentable before we sat down together. I had just changed the sheets on all the beds and walked upstairs to put on decent clothes and throw my hair up in a ponytail. Within seconds of getting into my bathroom, my 9-year-old called for me from downstairs and (almost simultaneously), my 7-year-old called for me from the hallway outside of my bedroom. Maybe it’s like this in every household with children under 10, but nearly every time they call for me, it is in a tone that suggests crisis. It is rarely ever an emergency, but it always sounds like it. Am I the only one? Ok, back to the story: I responded, in an irritated tone, “Can I have one minute without being summoned? Or even, 30 seconds?!” Because my children are beautiful and wonderful humans, much better than my parenting can take credit for (thank you, God), my son said, “Oh, sorry, Mommy.” And walked away. Now here I am, several hours later, still thinking about our interaction and feeling so many different emotions. I’m conflicted; not because being contemptuous is acceptable, but because there is, in fact, a lesson to be learned by my children in this instance.

As kids, we feel like the world revolves around us. That is why a parent could be dealing with an absolute disaster with one child, and the other will call to you from the family room, asking for a snack. There is a lack of introspection along with a lack of awareness of the affairs surrounding them. God made them this way at this age, so we cannot fault them for that. We as parents, however, are charged with the responsibility to open their eyes to the outside world as well as to their interactions with that world.

Back to my morning. Later, I was unloading the dishwasher when I thought that, yes, I should have handled this with a different inflection (and perhaps some different wording). What I did right, though, was to set that boundary. Our children need to be reminded that they are a part of this world; they are not the center. They also need to learn that, while their parent’s love is boundless, that doesn’t mean we will capitulate to every demand they vocalize. Let’s get some scripture that reminds us who we are as their parents and leaders.

The Bible calls us to love God above all. “But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you as well” (Mat. 5:33). Our kids need to see that our top priority is our love for and surrender to the Lord. Then comes our spouses. Genesis tells us that when a man and a woman are married, they become “One flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Paul tells us to “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ”. He then goes on to tell wives to Be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord”. He gives an even greater responsibility to the men to “Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church” (See Ephesians chapter 5). Now the hierarchy is being established. God above all, then love our spouses as God loves us. Now we reach the children. Maybe the most meaningful verse about parents’ role to their children says, “Train children in the right way, and when old, they will not stray” (Prov. 22:6). 

We are called, as Christians, to be selfless. We are called to serve others with honor and respect. This calling is especially poignant within our own home. If we’re doing it right, our children see self-sacrifice in us every day. They see it in the way we prioritize time with God. They see it in the way we love our spouses with complete devotion. They see it most in the way we serve them and pour ourselves into their upbringing. And this is good. We must model our self-sacrifice. We need to make sure they know they will also be called to be selfless. They will be called to sacrifice (or at least delay) their desires in service to the Lord. Let me be clear; they are children and should be expected to act as children naturally do. Nevertheless, when they experience self-sacrifice in their daily lives, they learn the value and importance of it. That, I believe, prepares them for the tribulations of adult life. And when their preparation comes from witnessing their parents joyfully modeling selflessness, they will carry that through life.

So, I’m glad I made my children wait. It’s a good reminder that they are not, in fact, the center of the world. The opportunity that I missed was to establish boundaries with patience and to express that I will happily serve them at a time that I am able.  Next time, I’ll try to communicate that with a bit more grace.

Recommended song: Give Until There’s Nothing Left by Relient K