Why do I keep Doing Things I Don’t Like?

I did not represent myself well last night. I was with a group of friends, discussing books, t.v. shows, family, and life. I’ve known most of these women for at least 4 years, some even longer. I can’t explain why, but sometimes when in large groups, I feel the need to be more performative. I’m not trying to pretend I’m someone else; I just find myself acting bigger than I would like. I say things that, while they have some truth to them, I choose the words and delivery that don’t represent who I am or how I truly feel. Instead of having quiet prudence, I end up loud and unwise. That’s not the woman of Christ that I want to portray.  Last night I said something that was misinterpreted and shocking. I certainly didn’t intend for it to be interpreted as it was, but it sounded exactly the way the women heard it. I realized as soon as it came out – that wasn’t appropriate and it wasn’t what I meant. Have you ever done that? It’s embarrassing. Then I was speaking about my husband and, again, didn’t mean to sound like I was speaking ill of him, but that’s how it sounded. Needless to say, I was being a fool. By the time I got home, the chagrin had almost completely overshadowed the fun and great discussions. I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, but I knew I’d feel worse if I kept it all in. So, I told my husband about it. It probably hurt his feelings, but he just teased me about it a bit last night, and that was the end of it. Probably the end for everyone involved. Everyone except me. I can’t stop thinking about it. While this experience is an uncomfortable one, it has helped me see the changes God is making in me, because in the past I would have been filled with self-reproach for days after something like this. Now, I’m still thinking about it, but my approach to self-correction has improved. I prayed over it this morning and have reflected on how I can avoid this type of behavior next time. I realize that I need to be more intentional and careful with the words I use. The biggest thing for me personally is to slow down and think before I talk. Often, these moments of driveling happen because I’m reacting to the conversation. If I say the words in my mind before my mouth takes over, I would be able to use better discernment and probably represent myself much better.  This reflection also has me thinking about what the Bible tells us about our words. The Bible is rich with guidance on the importance of our words and how we use them. Proverbs gives us great examples of the significance of choosing our words wisely. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (18:21). Further in Proverbs, it says, “To watch over mouth and tongue is to keep out of trouble” (21:23). Pretty clear. Avoid trouble by watching your words. The New Testament also reminds us of the power of our words. “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29). Our words matter. Even when we don’t give our words much value, we never know the gravity that another person assigns to those words. Our words represent our values, and we don’t want to mislead anyone about those. Who we are, our values, our morals, and our identity in Christ are of the utmost importance, and we must ensure that we are representing ourselves well.

While reflecting on last night, my mind settled on a homily message I heard last week. It was so poignant that I pulled my phone out in the middle of church to take notes. I really should start bringing a notebook with me to church, but that’s beside the point. The priest was discussing our journey in relationship with God, including our successes and failures. We can and will have failures in this relationship, just like we experience failures in our relationships with friends, family, spouses, and even children. To think we could walk this journey without failures is impractical, and yet I (maybe you as well) expect this path to be straight and upward. I think I struggle to accept failures in this area because my relationship with God is so vitally important to my well-being and salvation. Beyond that, I tend to believe that a failure or fall in my relationship with Him indicates a universal failure in my faith, instead of it being a wrong turn that can be corrected. I have to redirect with God, with my husband, and with my friends. I know can do this as long as I turn to Christ for the direction. That’s the beauty of this faith journey. The truth is that we will stumble, we will trip, and we will fall off the proverbial cliff.  The good news is that when we fail, we can try again.  And again. And again. And when we rely on Him, we move forward stronger and better than we began. While it is truly important to demonstrate outwardly what we believe inside, we are all still human. Fallibility is in all of us since Adam & Eve, and God knows that. While we may fall, we continue to have another chance if we surrender and follow God. I’ll end this with a portion of my favorite Bible verse. “For everything there is a season…A time to keep silent and a time to speak.” (Ecc. 3:1-8)

Recommended song: Pressing On by Relient K